Envy

This is my pregnany belly the day I was induced with William. He was 12 days overdue.

This is my pregnant belly at 7 months with Samuel - Huge!

For some reason I don't have any pregnant belly photos from Ebony, so here she is the day she was born.

Lately I've been seeing people lots of pregnant women and instantly disliking them. Awful I know. But I can't seem to help it. I seem to be struggling a bit with knowing that there are no more babies for me. I'm all done. I made the decision to have my tubes tide when I had Ebony, and I thought that I was fine with that. 

But then, while I was on the table getting sewn back together my Dr leaned over that big blue drape and told me I was doing the right thing as my uterus was in no condition to have anymore. It was stretched and weakened and he was having trouble stopping the bleeding. It wouldn't hold another pregnancy.

I just nodded at the time. 

But now, 4 months later, I look at Ebony and feel like I'm not finished. It has knocked me over a bit as I had always said I wasn't having kids. Now I have three and feel like there should be more. Crazy! 

So I keep seeing all these pregnant ladies around and have pregnant friends, some just about to have their first, and I envy them. They get to experience that amazing, brand new baby moment and my most favorite bit -  the very first week when they just sleep and feed (and poo) and are so perfect. 

I know I should be happy for them but I can't help feeling a bit selfish and wishing it was me again.